10 years after...

I feel so old coz that's how long ago I graduated from college!!!!! AAARRRGHHH!!! But actually I was back in the States 8 years ago when I came for training in Chicago while I was with H. Now, with new company Philadelphia is where they're based at. I've never been to Philly, so it's nice.

Wish I had more time though, but because of on-going project I can't stay for long...just staying for 5 days before heading home. Also, I can't bear to be apart from Ash and the boys for any longer than that. I miss them...especially the tucking kids into bed part :-(. But will definitely get to spend quality time with Ms. Ketchup who is flying up from Bermuda and staying with me, and with Amai who has pretty much planned both our stay here. My time outside the training has been well taken care of!

If Ash and I ever plan to bring the kids over here it has to be within the next 5 yrs or so because I don't think my body can take the looooonnng (30+hours) journey and with small kids in tow! I really feel old, man! And this trip shouldn't have been so bad because I was travelling business...so the thot of going economy and with kids...damn scary!!

Immigration wasn't so bad. They were nice and friendly. But me and my luggage had to be disinfected before I could board the plane to Philly. Or at least it felt like I was being disinfected because I had to go thru this machine called Sentinel (so sci-fi) which sprayed me with some stuff, then my shoes along with my hand luggage went into the x-ray machine. Mind you I was a pro by this time because I went thru the same thing before I boarded the plane to US in Doha, except for the Sentinel part. After x-ray...they basically swab all my bags...that's why I said DISINFECTED! I guess they want to doubly sure that I wasn't a terrorist who had GSR (CSI buff u shud know this) because the whole process looks like a scene from CSI.

But you know after having to go so many levels of check and disinfection, the thing that is very glaring to me is the number of foreigners I see working in the airport! Which to me is very ironic given how strict they are with people coming into their country.

So, now I am thinking of walking over to that shopping mall I see below (the dome is a mall), and also checking out whether I can walk to place where my training is to be held at.

Throwing in the towel

Sorry...siaran tergendala sikit...ms. ketchup started facebook so have been stuck there trying to figure out what's up with the damn vampires, zombies, werewolves, etc. Pening siut!!

Plus the work has been distracting me quite a bit. I was kinda in a limbo in the last couple of weeks...trying to figure stuff out. So, finally made a decision to throw in my towel. I know I am going to disappoint so many people that were counting on me, and I will have to live down the "stigma", and be called all sorts of names for what I am gonna do, but like I said I can't go back.

I think those who really know me will know how hard this decision is...to disappoint my team. But I also hope they know that this decision, though not easy, is really the best for me at this point in time. The opportunity to learn and actually build a specialization can't be denied. I will need to be a little more selfish, and do this for myself.

And those who don't know me...well I can't change their opinion. So they can pretty much ___ off :-)...ooops sorri bulan puasa...after this they can ___ off.

In a very weird place

"Try as we might. Happy as we were. We can't go back."

I love that line! I can so relate to it! I think most of us can so relate to it because we all have that happy place we always go to when we want to escape things. Or when girlfriends get together we will bring us back to that happy place just for a moment where you remember exactly how you feel,and you remember even the tiniest detail, like how the air smelled and felt...ok may be a little melodramatic there, but you know what I mean. Ash always laugh at me when I get together with my girlfriends coz he always ask don't we have anything else to talk about except the past? But I suppose for me, can't say for the girls, those time spent with them in UMICH was one of the happiest moment in my life. But I am sure if or when I go back now, things will not be the same. Our lives have changed...some of us have gotten the freedom we've been fighting for, and starting afresh again with so many possibilities, and some of us are figuring out where our lives are heading now...we've come to a juncture.

My last few blogs have been very superficial, even for my taste. I've only been sharing one aspect of my life that is still normal and moving along as best as expected. The rest of me have kinda been hiding and getting lost wherever I am because I dread facing what I need to do. I know my next step is the best for me, but it will be so hard because I know I so will disappoint the people I've come to like and care for. So, I've been "escaping" into that little place where I forget about me because I am happy there, but I know I still need to do what I have to do, and I am scared to death to disappoint. But I know I have to because I can't go back.

Being a Person

Has been an exhausting 2 weeks for me! I was on the on-boarding program for over a week with a 4-day session in Langkawi included! It was fun I suppose, but at the same time completely exhausting! So, I really wonder if there has been any internalisation of the values and culture because there was no real reflection time. But I suppose the whole idea of on-boarding is really more for the new folks to have some bonding time, and build their connections/network. I have always been involved in running on-boarding programs that I've forgotten how to be a participant!

So, anyways one of the activity that moi had the participants do was a personal letter to themselves committing to doing something about the organizational values. Yes, moi...who was a participant AND facilitator...wic was kinda weird actually. Anyways, since I asked people to do, I must to oso la kan...nanti org cakap I tak serupa bikin pulak!

So, I am now more committed than ever to push through the core shared values in the Bank. The values makes the organization, and the fact that currently it's only getting lip service, and even some leaders do not seem to appreciate them...it's just ain't funny! It's terrifying actually! Now, I just have to figure how I am gonna to this...damn it!